It’s time to hang up the Irons.

Yes, the new Iron Maiden sucks. We’ll spare you our version of where the band came from, their discography and why they’re so important, and rather explain why this is not an album to spend money on. Here we go.

– You might have heard that A Matter of Life and Death is "more progressive." Don’t believe it, unless if by "progressive," you mean the songs are longer. Then, yes, it is "progressive." And we love prog at Maelstrom, so we’re certainly not allergic to long songs. But we do notice when songs are needlessly long and numbingly repetitive, which is the case with just about every song on this album, which averages seven and a half minutes per track. Actually, make that every song — you’ll wish each one would be over well before it actually is. Meanwhile, Iron Maiden’s most progressive album is 1988's Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. Check it out.

– Iron Maiden’s had epic tracks. "Alexander the Great," "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner," "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son" are titles that come most easily to mind. And Iron Maiden could always pull it off, because what made them so great were their lengthy instrumental journeys and extended melodic guitar solos. Even shorter tracks like "The Duelists" and "Wasted Years" had an epic feel to them because of the depth of their instrumentals. Remember those days? Iron Maiden doesn’t do that anymore. Ok, there is a hint of what made this fan a fan on "The Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg," but it’s only in comparison of what’s not going on in the rest of the album.

– Ever since Bruce Dickinson re-joined Iron Maiden, anything that he’s sung on — both his main band and his solo band — has been horribly repetitive lyrically. Even songs that were pretty good like "Ghost of the Navigator" and "Brave New World" drove the excellent choruses into the ground.

– And so we ask again: Why does Iron Maiden have three guitarists? It barely needs even two anymore. For perhaps the most influential band in metal, ever, the riffs are pretty scarce on A Matter of Life and Death, where the band that was king is now often reduced to playing the most lay power chords in guise of instrumental remarkability.

– The general pace and energy of this album merely lopes around from track to track. Iron Maiden did use to have fast-paced, charging songs, didn’t they?

– And finally, the production is deplorable. This might be the single biggest nail in A Matter of Life and Death’s coffin. Simply, the album doesn’t sound like a metal album. It is woefully underproduced for the genre. Nicko McBrain has a huge kit in real life, but on record it sounds like a basic set-up you’d buy a beginner. Bruce Dickinson has one of the most celebrated voices ever, but here it’s largely limited to a single, dry, suffocated layer.

Apparently, the powers that be are trying to go for a "live" sound, but even Live After Death has way more balls and immediacy than this, which is in this case naught. Thin, unlayered, reserved sound... ok for lite rock, but this is fucking metal, right? Right?

It’s nearly scary to think that Iron Maiden’s last great triumph was in 1988, nearly TWENTY years ago. And they’re still lumbering around. It seemed things would take a turn for the better with Brave New World, but that was really just in comparison to the place that the band was before that, which couldn’t have gotten any worse. Since then, it’s been bland, underproduced albums with lethargic energy, thereby making each successive tour less and less attractive as this inane material takes over more of the set list each time. Please, please stop. (3/10)

PS: At least they’re not using any more of Derek Riggs’ retarded computer-generated art, which he abandoned his trademark paintings for long ago... although it’s sad that this is the first Iron Maiden album cover not to be by him.