review by: Mladen Škot

Cradle of Filth are definitely in touch with their feminine side. Which is perfectly fine, it's what everyone should consider doing from time to time... except for one thing: Cradle of Filth's feminine side is a Christian feminine side.

See, if you ask an anti-Christian male why he has problems with Christianity (or, for that matter, Islam or Judaism), you'll get plenty of answers: It causes wars, it's human-centered, it's a fable, it's against nature and science alike, it makes people shallow, submissive and easy to manipulate, it gives easy answers instead of asking important questions, and so on and on. Some Pagans will also add that it made women less equal, whereas in the past they used to be healers, wise women and prophetesses — then monotheistic religions turned them into not-really-intelligent creatures only suitable for reproduction and being decoration. Women, in turn, accepted that role by not being much more than this, because nothing more was expected of them. And, it's obvious that people who aren't concerned with science, art, spirituality, ecology, or any form of creativity or brain work don't have much to think about. Mostly, with them, it's all about sex.

So, if you ask an anti-Christian woman why she has problems with Christianity you'll get one basic answer: sex. Christian morals, whatever they are, the Church prying into people's private business, or anything that says they shouldn't sleep around or look whatever they want to look like. However, the six-something billion population of this planet shows that people, whether Church is there or not, have sex. You either do it or not, depending on how social, good looking or wealthy you are, and very few people were ever stopped by something as irrelevant as what the priest (who probably has more sex than them, anyway) says.

Conclusion? If you're against Christianity just because of sex, you're still a Christian, just an inch deep inside. They did a fine job on you, idiot. Go and save a baby seal or a rainforest instead.

Enter The Gospel of Filth, a 500-page book about Cradle of Filth's career, partly, and about Christianity versus "evil" and sensuality, largely. If you're a grown up you probably already know that "evil" means different things to different people, and that the universally accepted, between intelligent people, definition of "evil" is simply "stupidity" — as "evil" would sound too glorifying and it would give the idiots doing "evil" things more credit than they deserve.

For example — serial killers. Evil? Not? Or just low-IQ people with a lack of self control? The whole chapter about them is statistically interesting, sure. So if I told you that my, probably, best friend here, where I live, actually killed seven people, in cold blood, what would you think? He actually told me some details, feelings and impressions (and also gave me some advice), and basically it's no big deal. It was allowed, it was war. It's what people do, it's in their nature. Anyone can do it if he thinks he'll get away with it and has a reason.

Both my friend and I agree that people who can't spell or who lack general culture are worthless humans. But Cradle of Filth need them to buy CDs, don't they? So it's more important to sing about one serial rapist, thus giving him / her exposure, than to protest against millions who can't properly write a text message.

You don't really need to go through all the 500 pages of this book. Here's a brief summary:

- If you don't like Cradle of Filth, you probably don't get laid.

- If you DO like Cradle of Filth, you probably don't get laid.

- Cradle of Filth are not black metal.

- Cradle of Filth are extreme gothic metal.

- Black metal is actually Gothic (according to the book), so Cradle of Filth probably want to say that they are not actually Cradle of Filth.

- Whatever it is, the British did it first. If not them, it was Walt Disney.

- Disney, videogames, drugs, fetishes, Hollywood and Marilyn Manson belong to the same world as decadent poets, aristocracy, money and TV (okay, that was obvious) but the book also mentions "black metal" so many times it actually makes you sick of the term — and only mentions 2-3 other black metal bands from one or two obvious countries. For so much talk about Goths, where's Lacrimosa? Oh, they're not British or American and they're actually serious.

- Whatever Cradle of Filth did, even when they sucked, it was planned. It had a deep and profound background.

- If one dirty piece of paper ripped from some 'zine back in the ‘90s says that Cradle of Filth have more talent in their little finger than Emperor ever had, it must be true.

- After 9/11, black metal lost its relevance because, after 9/11, it got hard to shock people. Of course, this also means that now that everyone has seen what religious fanaticism is capable of, there is no more point in fighting religion (through black metal, or probably any other way).

- Animals, plants, forests, oceans and clean air aren't important. Humans acting silly, getting drunk, laid, drugged or killed are.

- Money is important and ultimately, it's all about entertainment, but somehow Cradle of Filth take themselves very seriously.

- Screaming "CUNT!!!" is fun (never mind that, if you want bad language, all you have to do is open your window or turn the TV on)

- Journalists are encouraged to write positively about nu metal, metalcore, garage rock, emo or whatever the current trend is, if they want to stay in the business.

- And much, much more.

Bollocks.

Well, at least some pictures are nice. But if you're a Cradle of Filth fan, better stay away from this publication — just accept them as one of the "guilty pleasure" bands such as Nightwish, Dragonforce or Manowar. You know they defy common sense and logic, but you like listening to them, anyway. So, get Lords of Chaos, The Satanic Bible, The World's Most Notorious Men, The World's Most Notorious Women or The World's Greatest Cults instead, and you'll have way more fun and brain food. Even a Beatles biography would be better, if it has to be something British. If you need sexy pictures, just go to a fetish web site and download some. You'll have ten times more fun than with The Gospel of Filth. (2/10)